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5 Boundaries That are Our Responsibility

by Carmen Horne Leave a Comment

A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. ― Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend 

My boundaries are my responsibility

Property boundaries are much easier to understand than personal ones. If we get confused about where to plant the Crape Myrtle or Magnolia tree, a quick call to 811 will give us a visible reminder. Maintaining personal boundaries often feels like we forgot to call 811. We struggle with where the boundary should be and therefore we allow others to move our lines.

Drs. Cloud and Townsend give us ten boundaries that we are responsible for in their book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes  – When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Today we will cover five of them and next week we will talk about the other five. I didn’t want us to miss Cloud/Townsend’s list before we move away for the boundaries discussion we have been having this month.

What should fall within my boundaries?

✓ Feelings

How we feel about something or someone is important. We shouldn’t let feelings rule our lives but we shouldn’t ignore them either. An example of how important it is to pay attention to our feelings is when we feel depressed or filled with anger.  How we feel is a helpful barometer to measure how things are going. When we recognize how we feel, we can know what may need addressing in our lives. Our feelings are our responsibility. If there is a problem, we should seek an answer.

✓ Attitudes and Beliefs

Our attitudes and beliefs are learned early. They are birthed in our culture and family traditions. Owning them falls within our personal space. Healthy people take a look at their attitudes and beliefs about life and people. We feel the effect of those beliefs and we are the only ones who can change them.  Mark 7:8 is a wakeup call for us. Jesus said,

“For you ignore God’s law and substitute your own tradition.” NLT

✓ Behaviors

Paul is clear in Galatians 6:7-8, 

Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.” ESV

We go to work, we get paid. We eat healthy food, our bodies are healthier. Our behavior has consequences. When we intervene in the sowing and reaping process in other people’s lives, problems arise. Quoting the Drs. “To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless.”

Y’all, this is a hard one. I’m not going to kid you. When we rescue and shield in unhealthy ways, we hurt our relationships. When we get it out-of-order for ourselves or for someone else, it will not bring peace. We think it will, but it never does. God created this process for our benefit.    

✓ Choices

We are in control of our choices. When we hear ourselves say, “She made me…” or “I had to…” our ears need to perk up. No one makes us do anything. When we turn our choices over to another resentment sets in. Galatians 5:23 speaks on the fruit of self-control. We make our choices and we live with the consequences of them. 

✓ Values

“What we value is what we love and assign importance to.” What are our priorities? Taking responsibility for the things we place value in helps us recognize when our values are out of line. 

Healthy living takes action and intention. Perfection will not happen on this side of heaven. My prayer is for us to recognize when we fall back into our unhealthy ways. Jesus came to give us abundant life. (John 10:10)

Holy Spirit, open our eyes to deception. As David prayed in Psalm 139: 23-24, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.”

 

If you enjoyed this post, you will find these interesting as well:

Because Drawing Lines in Chalk Seems Easier; The Foreign Language of Growth; Boundaries Bring Freedom; Because We Have the Power to Choose

 
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Love is a Verb

by Carmen Horne Leave a Comment

In the New Testament, love is more of a verb than a noun. It has more to do with acting than with feeling. The call to love is not so much a call to a certain state of feeling as it is to a quality of action.” ~ RC Sproul

One of the mistakes we make concerning love (whether it’s our friend, spouse, children, parents, or enemy) is to believe we will always feel loving. Y’all, it ain’t’ going to happen. How could it? At one time or another, we all behave – aggravating, selfish, and disappointing. There are times sweet can’t be found in us. 

Love is a verb

I thought it would be a cool reminder on Valentine’s Day that love is action. I like what C.S. Lewis has to say about it:

Do not waste time bothering whether you “love” your neighbor; act as if you did”

I have found that feelings often follow action. There are many times I don’t feel like doing something, but after I do it, I’m glad I did. Like exercise. Or the time I forgave when I wanted to pinch someone :)

When our behavior is loving, our feelings can change. It also helps to remember that we are hard to love at times too. Just ask those who live with us.

Jesus replied, ‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'” NLT

So there we go. We must figure out how to overcome our unloving feelings. This kind of love flows from God. 

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Galatians 5:22-23 NLT

How would we act if we felt loving?

We then pray for Holy Spirit power to help us behave in a way that we are not feeling at the moment. Our feelings are in the process of being redeemed. This is faith. Faith in God to empower us to be more like Jesus.

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 12:2 NLT

You already know (because we have been discussing boundaries, trust, and healthy relationships) that loving someone with godly love does not equal trust or acceptance of abuse in any form. There are some folks we must love from afar. We are talking about love in a healthy context.

So, let’s show love more freely. In our culture today, we tend to act on our feelings. The challenge is this: Can we lay our hateful feelings at Jesus’ feet and access the fruit of the Holy Spirit within us to show love? With God’s help, we can. 

Lord, help us to love others well. You modeled healthy love for us. Our ability to love comes from You because You first loved us. In the name of Jesus, Amen

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What Others Are Saying…

"Rarely will you find a woman with such a servant’s heart as Carmen Horne. I have had the pleasure of attending many church events, trips, and girl lunches with Carmen over the past sixteen years. She continues to be one of my favorite mentors whether in North Louisiana or on the beach in Florida, which is probably OUR FAVORITE place! She uses her kind and faithful heart when giving advice or mentoring others. Carmen is truly a light to many and guides you to find the light in yourself no matter how faint it may be. Hebrews 13:7"

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"Carmen writes from her heart and her own life experiences. What she says is always spot on for me. She is a gifted teacher and her love for the Word shows. Carmen is easy to understand and her words always leave me with a deeper understanding of God's love and grace. Her wit and charm make her a joy to listen to. She speaks truth, even when the truth is hard to hear and does it with understanding and compassion."

Karen S.

"It takes a depth of pride to accept our way might not be the best way or the only way...' If Carmen had not already made me a follower of her blog, that one sentence would have had me hooked. It's not always easy to find someone who writes in ways we can relate. Carmen makes me stop and take a deep long look at who I am and where I want to be in my walk with Christ. I trust her to be a truth teller and a peace maker. Not only has she encouraged me so many times, but often my heart is pierced to make a change."

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"Carmen always has a word of encouragement for everyone. She makes you feel good about yourself by just being in her presence. She loves Jesus and wants all to know Jesus; the broken, the wounded, the desperate, the empty and the guilty."

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"Carmen spoke to us from her heart.  She encouraged us be women of faith. Carmen is very genuine in her love of God and people. Her heart for God is evident in her devotion and also the life she leads."

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  • 5 Boundaries That are Our Responsibility
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