Carmen Horne

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Does Forgiving You Mean I Must Trust You?

by Carmen Horne 6 Comments

Forgiving, forgetting, and trust. These actions would seem to go hand in hand, right? So why do we continue to remember the offense and why do we struggle with trusting again? These questions have plagued me many times. We feel guilty because we can’t forget.

We are dismayed because we confuse trusting God with our situation and trusting people in our situation. 

Forgiving and forgetting is nearly impossible. We are not given a lobotomy as a result of forgiving. Our memories of the offense may remain. In my personal experience with forgiveness, the more I choose it, the less painful the offense becomes to my heart. Not forgetting, but choosing to not let the hurt take me back down dark paths at every remembrance.

Consequences of the sin remain. God set the law of sowing and reaping from the beginning. Our focus becomes trusting God with the outcome. I’ve heard it said that in forgiveness, we give up our quest for retaliation. We lay our need for vengeance at God’s feet. God is the just Judge. 

“The Bible is clear about two principles: (1) We always need to forgive, but (2) we don’t always achieve reconciliation. Forgiveness is something that we do in our hearts; we release someone from a debt that they owe us. We write off the person’s debt, and she no longer owes us. We no longer condemn her. She is clean. Only one party is needed for forgiveness: me. The person who owes me a debt does not have to ask my forgiveness. It is a work of grace in my heart.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No

How do we reconcile the requirement to forgive with the issue of trusting our offender?

Jesus tells us how we will know if someone is trustworthy.

No guesswork required. We look at the fruit of their change,

A good tree produces good fruit, and a bad tree produces bad fruit. A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. So every tree that does not produce good fruit is chopped down and thrown into the fire. Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions.” ~ Jesus Christ (Matthew 7:17 NLT)

Jesus is clear. Trust is maintained and regained through action. Matt 7:17

Jesus is clear here. Trust is maintained and regained through action. Does that make it a bit easier for you? It does me. Trust is not automatic. It is earned through the process of producing the fruit of repentance. 

“Many people are too quick to trust someone in the name of forgiveness and not make sure that the other is producing “fruit in keeping with repentance” (Luke 3:8).  Forgive, but guard your heart until you see sustained change.”
― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No

Who do you need to forgive? Who do you need to allow the opportunity to regain your trust?

We can allow the process to move forward with peace. The Holy Spirit will lead our hearts by helping us recognize their new fruit or the absence of fruit. Take a deep breath. We are not alone on the restoration road.

May I leave you with good news? Forgiveness is expected because God knows it is one of the most healing things we can do for our heart – our soul. He recognizes forgiveness as the starting point on our path to restoration. On trust – it can be regained after it has been lost. I have lived this out. I have learned to trust again. As Dr. Cloud says, “Forgive, but guard your heart until you see sustained change.”

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Filed Under: Boundaries, Coaching, Forgiveness, Trust Tagged With: Boundaries, Coaching, Forgiveness, Trust

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Comments

  1. Becky Beresford says

    February 8, 2019 at 4:26 pm

    This is so freeing Carmen! Thank you for sharing this today. My heart needed to hear it.

    Reply
    • Carmen Horne says

      February 9, 2019 at 1:17 pm

      Hey Becky! So happy to have you visit. God is wonderful at placing us in just the right place at the right time. Come see us again!

      Reply
  2. Judy says

    February 7, 2019 at 8:15 am

    love love love

    Reply
    • Carmen Horne says

      February 7, 2019 at 12:39 pm

      So glad you stopped by and encouraged me, Judy.

      Reply
  3. Abby McDonald says

    February 7, 2019 at 8:05 am

    Such wise words, friend. It took me a while to learn this and it was so freeing. Thanks for sharing!

    Reply
    • Carmen Horne says

      February 7, 2019 at 8:12 am

      Hey, Abby! So good to see your smiling face. The truth really does set us free. It might be uncomfortable freedom at first. We get so accustomed to living bound to unhealthy behaviors. If we hang in there, it begins to be so peaceful. Especially when we know Jesus is on our side.

      Reply

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"Carmen spoke to us from her heart.  She encouraged us be women of faith. Carmen is very genuine in her love of God and people. Her heart for God is evident in her devotion and also the life she leads."

Deana G.

Carmen Horne, Life Coach
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2016-06-25T01:28:02-05:00

Deana G.

"Carmen spoke to us from her heart.  She encouraged us be women of faith. Carmen is very genuine in her love of God and people. Her heart for God is evident in her devotion and also the life she leads."
https://www.carmenhorne.com/testimonials/deana-g/
"Carmen always has a word of encouragement for everyone. She makes you feel good about yourself by just being in her presence. She loves Jesus and wants all to know Jesus; the broken, the wounded, the desperate, the empty and the guilty."

Norah A.

Carmen Horne, Life Coach
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2016-06-25T01:27:16-05:00

Norah A.

"Carmen always has a word of encouragement for everyone. She makes you feel good about yourself by just being in her presence. She loves Jesus and wants all to know Jesus; the broken, the wounded, the desperate, the empty and the guilty."
https://www.carmenhorne.com/testimonials/norah-a/
"It takes a depth of pride to accept our way might not be the best way or the only way...' If Carmen had not already made me a follower of her blog, that one sentence would have had me hooked. It's not always easy to find someone who writes in ways we can relate. Carmen makes me stop and take a deep long look at who I am and where I want to be in my walk with Christ. I trust her to be a truth teller and a peace maker. Not only has she encouraged me so many times, but often my heart is pierced to make a change."

Judy H.

Carmen Horne, Life Coach
5
2016-06-25T01:26:03-05:00

Judy H.

"It takes a depth of pride to accept our way might not be the best way or the only way...' If Carmen had not already made me a follower of her blog, that one sentence would have had me hooked. It's not always easy to find someone who writes in ways we can relate. Carmen makes me stop and take a deep long look at who I am and where I want to be in my walk with Christ. I trust her to be a truth teller and a peace maker. Not only has she encouraged me so many times, but often my heart is pierced to make a change."
https://www.carmenhorne.com/testimonials/judy-h/
"Carmen writes from her heart and her own life experiences. What she says is always spot on for me. She is a gifted teacher and her love for the Word shows. Carmen is easy to understand and her words always leave me with a deeper understanding of God's love and grace. Her wit and charm make her a joy to listen to. She speaks truth, even when the truth is hard to hear and does it with understanding and compassion."

Karen S.

Carmen Horne, Life Coach
5
2016-06-25T01:23:50-05:00

Karen S.

"Carmen writes from her heart and her own life experiences. What she says is always spot on for me. She is a gifted teacher and her love for the Word shows. Carmen is easy to understand and her words always leave me with a deeper understanding of God's love and grace. Her wit and charm make her a joy to listen to. She speaks truth, even when the truth is hard to hear and does it with understanding and compassion."
https://www.carmenhorne.com/testimonials/karen-s/
"Rarely will you find a woman with such a servant’s heart as Carmen Horne. I have had the pleasure of attending many church events, trips, and girl lunches with Carmen over the past sixteen years. She continues to be one of my favorite mentors whether in North Louisiana or on the beach in Florida, which is probably OUR FAVORITE place! She uses her kind and faithful heart when giving advice or mentoring others. Carmen is truly a light to many and guides you to find the light in yourself no matter how faint it may be. Hebrews 13:7"

Dianne A.

Carmen Horne, Life Coach
5
2016-06-25T01:22:56-05:00

Dianne A.

"Rarely will you find a woman with such a servant’s heart as Carmen Horne. I have had the pleasure of attending many church events, trips, and girl lunches with Carmen over the past sixteen years. She continues to be one of my favorite mentors whether in North Louisiana or on the beach in Florida, which is probably OUR FAVORITE place! She uses her kind and faithful heart when giving advice or mentoring others. Carmen is truly a light to many and guides you to find the light in yourself no matter how faint it may be. Hebrews 13:7"
https://www.carmenhorne.com/testimonials/dianne-a/
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Carmen Horne, Life Coach

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