The Wildfire of Fear That Comes With Cancer

“Instinctively, I took a step away from him. What? Our family didn’t get cancer. We had plenty of other health problems in our family history, but not cancer. I looked at Cooper, still wiggling and pushing off my chest in an attempt to be set free. Hugging him closer I thought, cancer?!?”

The word we all dread. The one we never want to hear associated with one of our kids. If we’re honest, the disease we think God has the most difficulty healing.

I met Jenni DeWitt on an online blog linkup and she stole my heart. Every time I see her sweet face pop up in comments or an email, I smile. She is encouraging, funny and writes beautifully. And of course, I fell in love with her lil man, Cooper. Their story – these warriors in the trenches of childhood cancer – stirs my mama’s heart. I know it will yours.

In so many ways, I identify with Jenni. She is a self-confessed major helicopter mom and I get that. I have been known to hover. She has often lived with the fear of something happening to someone she loves and, she is an over-user of hand sanitizer. You can see how we became fast friends.

Meet Jenni… 

Hard times have a way of testing our faith. It’s great to follow God when everything is peachy-keen, but when God calls us to follow Him through our biggest fears, and sometimes worst nightmares, that’s when things get real.

For our family, that moment of testing came in the form of childhood cancer. 

Before my son was diagnosed with leukemia three years ago, I was a God-fearing, Christian woman who went to church every Sunday and professed my faith in God. But then I went home and spent my time worrying and fretting like an unbeliever. My anxiety was tremendous, and my doubt in God’s ability to protect was stifling

As fear ran through my brain like wildfire, I learned to cope by convincing myself that I had the control. Irrationally, I reasoned that if I did everything right, if I did everything I was “supposed” to do, then I could keep everyone safe.

But on a cold afternoon in February of 2012, I found out just how wrong I was when my 2-year-old son was diagnosed with cancer. 

Instantly, I was plunged into a world of my worst nightmares. My lack of control — my lack of ability to truly protect my children — was painfully evident. 

Anxiety threatened to drag me under, but God did not allow that. Instead, through His amazing grace, God started to show me another way. He started to teach me how to trust. He reminded me that the world was not on my shoulders. And, as I wrote in my book Forty Days, He showed up in amazing acts of mercy. 

And when God showed up, I gave up. I gave up my illusion that I controlled everything. I gave up my belief that if I did everything perfect things would be okay. And I let go of the notion that these children were mine, because they aren’t. 

They are His. He is just letting me take care of them for this breath of time that is their childhood. I am not the main character, I am simply a supporting role. What a relief.

Now Cooper is five years old, and he is three years into his cancer treatment. He is scheduled to take his last chemotherapy on June 5, 2015, and we are so filled with joy and gratitude at the very thought. 

Cooper collage

And to add to our joy, the very next day, June 6, we will attend a CureSearch walk where we will celebrate all the children who are surviving their diagnosis. Each child will receive a medal for their courage. 

Then we will release red balloons, remembering those we have lost — the little ones who ran out of treatment options. And with an ache in our hearts, we will present the money we have worked so hard all year to raise for childhood cancer research. 

Then we will walk. And we will look around at the hundreds of people who are on this journey right beside us. And we will find hope that through these trials, God will be lifted up as we all learn to walk more closely by His side, even through our darkest times.

View More: http://jjillphotography.pass.us/dewitt2014

Learn much more about their story as Jenni shares with stark honesty about their walk in her book titled “Forty Days – A Memoir of Our Time in the Desert of Childhood Cancer.” A portion of the proceeds of every book is donated to childhood cancer research. She has donated a signed copy for giveaway so get your entries in.

Jenni's book
Jenni DeWitt’s “Forty Days” giveaway

You can also help children like Cooper fight and win their cancer battle by donating to help fund research for childhood cancers. Click here for the DeWitt’s fundraising page and help them reach their team goal of $2,000 for CureSearchWalk. Lary and I are on Cooper’s team. Won’t you join us?

Linking with…

Suzie Eller’s #livefree Thursday and Susan Mead’s #DanceWithJesus Friday

 

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13 Comments

  1. And when God showed up, I gave up.

    Jenni, I can’t imagine, yet I care

    May I do a book review and give away for you? I’d be honored to. Susan

    1. Susan,

      I have enjoyed following your blog and participating in your #DanceWithJesus linkup. I’d be honored to have you do a review and give away. Thank you! My email is [email protected]. Send me a message, and we will get the details figured out!

      Jenni

  2. Carmen, thanks for featuring Jenni here. I have grown to love her writing too! (Love your blog, Jenni.)

    I’m so glad to hear that Cooper’s last scheduled chemo treatment is coming up. You have a beautiful message for women, Jenni. I plan to share this on twitter. #livefreeThursday

    1. Thank you so much, Betsy! I’ve enjoyed getting to know you online. So fun to connect with people all over the world! And I always enjoy your writing as well. Take care and thanks for the Twitter share!

      Jenni

  3. Wow, I am speechless. One of my co-workers has faced this same battle. She is such an amazing lady- so full of love. I am in awe of the strength of this precious mama. I can’t wait to read her book. Truly an inspiration to others.

  4. Thank you so much for sharing, I needed this reminder tonight that no matter what happens in my life He was and always will be in complete control. Thoughts & prayers for your family!!

  5. Reading this brought back the feeling of being told your child has leukemia. This month we celebrate the wonderful words “your son is in remission”. That was 29 years ago. He turned 35 this week. I understand the feeling of wanting to be in control. 18 months ago God reminded me again, that I can’t control anything, it is all in His hands. Still daily, I have to turn everything back to God. Still haven’t learned the lesson the “let go, let God”.

    1. Denise,

      I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but so grateful you shared your story. I will never get tired of hearing about kids who got through cancer and went on to live normal, healthy lives. Prayers and blessings to you, my friend!

      Jenni

  6. Oh Jodie, it’s such a gift to hear about kids who have survived and are living full lives now. Thank you for sharing your cousin’s story! These kids who go through such serious illnesses seem to have a special light around them. How precious to watch and learn from their pure faith in God’s mercy. Grateful to meet you here!

  7. I’m so glad I stopped over! To see a glimpse into your heart and your journey. I will not pretend to understand or relate but Leukemia is real to our cousins family and we saw there journey. One night when Carson, your son’s age at the time, was riding by the church at night and saw the lights on he told his Mom that he knew why the lights were on…there were people there praying for him. He trusted the power of that prayer at a very young age. He’s in college now, interviewing this week for an internship with a major league baseball team. He helps others by educating people about bone marrow transplant and being on the donor list. His sister donated for him. I am lifting a prayer for your family, your beautiful, brave family!