The tile on the bathroom wall is cool to my cheek. I sit on the floor and try to be quiet because it’s the middle of the night. My heart is racing. Tears flow and I sing under my breath, “Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so…Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me…” How did I get here?
If I close my eyes today, I can see the scene clearly. Not only see it, feel it. The fear, the deep sadness, the despair.
It was spring and Easter was on its way. My little one was going to have her first school Easter party and we were in planning mode. We needed some fun. It had been a difficult few months. My grandfather, who I loved like a dad, was diagnosed with cancer the previous October and died in February. My kindergartner didn’t like school so the first two weeks were traumatic. And, the little girl who was a picture of health, was hospitalized for the first of many times.
I have heard that our bodies speak to us when they are ill. I had just went for a check-up. My doctor asked, “Carmen has anything stressful been happening in your life? I said, no, can’t think of anything.” Have you ever been so overwhelmed with life you didn’t even know you were overwhelmed?
Party day arrived and I was not myself. By midnight, I was in the emergency room and my life changed- for months. The doctors knew my heart was not beating correctly but, couldn’t pinpoint the exact source of the problem. With that uncertainty, fear arrived.
When fear and physical illness are companions, their buddy depression rounds out the trio.
I became incapable of living independently. By God’s sweet favor, my husband was able to be a stay at home dad for those months. This mother who had a bow for every outfit didn’t care if her girl’s socks matched. I kissed her goodbye each morning and never even noticed if her hair had been combed.
I cried, was filled with anxiety and scared – all the time. I wouldn’t leave our home and if my husband left, I needed a sitter. What if I die and no one is here? Days stretched into months. My sweetheart was at his wits end. I distinctly remember thinking, I need to be hospitalized. I can’t keep living like this.
To add to the emotional turmoil, I was still physically ill. My doctor kept assuring me that what was going on with me wasn’t life threatening. How does he know this? He’s not sure what’s wrong with me.
One thing I knew, I needed God to heal me – physically and emotionally. Prayer filled my days. Although it was hard to focus, I read my Bible. The words seemed to go in and get lost. That’s OK Carmen, just read. Psalm 91 became my Psalm. My dearest friend Carol had written it out for me and included it in a card. It was my lifeline.
Are you weary? Do you need a lifeline? Let me close today with a verse from that beautiful Psalm.
I can’t wait to share during our next visit how God worked a miracle in my life.
I’m linking up with some friends today…