“Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves.” James 4:1 MSG
Our girlfriend Eve started this whole thing with “us” and “them”. Her life was perfect. Yet deep inside herself, she wanted her own way. James tells us that most of the fights we have with each other (including our spouses) is because of this very thing.
Quoting Dr. Gary Chapman(Five Love Languages) in his book, Everybody Wins, “All too often, though, when we engage in arguments, our goal is not to resolve the conflict at hand, but rather, to win the fight. Unfortunately, when you win an argument, your spouse is the loser, and nobody wants to be or live with a loser. When you resolve a conflict, your spouse becomes your friend. Good marriages are based on friendship, not on winning arguments.” Our counselor, Gil Martin, says, “When our spouse wins, we win.” Let me share three winning attitudes Dr. Chapman includes in his book:
- I choose to respect my spouses’ ideas even if I disagree with them.
- I choose to love my spouse and do everything I can to help him or her today.
- I choose to believe my spouse and I are teammates and that with God’s help, we can find solutions to our conflicts.
When we look at it as though we are on the same team, we understand that our team cannot win when we work against each other. Is your marriage dying from friendly fire?
1 Corinthians 13:5 ESV
“It, (love) does not insist on its own way.”